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The Remnant

Posted on February 22, 2017 at 9:50 PM

I have been free from my abusive relationship since 2009, my divorce was final January 2011. I thought that was the finale. It was finally all over. Unfortunately, that was not the ending of it all. There is a remnant that remains with me.

I can clearly remember those nights of fighting and crying. I can hear and feel the sting of the many terrible names he called me and the awful things he said about me.  I can smell the alcohol on his breath as he forced himself on me.  I still experience the symptoms of depression, insomnia and crying along with a few other health issues that developed as a result of the stress from the abusive relationship.

Most people seem to think it's completely over if you pack a bag and walk out the door. No! Hell No! The end is not that simple. There are many survivors who leave their abusers only to be stalked by them,  some are still abused as they have children with them.  There are survivors that end up in the hospital or worst in a grave after packing a bag and walking out the door.  Then there are the survivors like me that walked away  but are still dealing with the remnant from that abusive relationship.

Over the course of the 16 years of marriage  I became a master at wearing a mask and hiding my hurt and pain, pretending everything is fine. My world at home was falling apart and my life was in shambles but on the outside most people had no idea. No idea I was a train wreck.  No idea that I felt like I had been ran over by a train.  No idea that I wanted to run over him with a train.   No idea I was in pain or even sick.

I threw away my mask in 2009 but I often looked for a new mask, a new way of covering up my shame and embarassment. I wake up many mornings seeking a way to hide the remnant. There is no pill for the remnant.  My doctor can't prescribe me anything for the remnant. I can't close my eyes and just wish it all away. The remnant wakes me in the middle of the night.  It's in my nightmares.  It's in my reflection in the mirror.  This remnant is a thorne in my side.  It's in the back of my mind. The remnant haunts, pains and almost paralyzes me almost daily.

It's very clear that this remnant is mine.  It's my cross to bear.  I can't stop, give in, give up or allow this remnant to paralyze me or cause me to abort the vision God has given me. 

So I'll pack the remnant is my rolling bag or Coach purse and take the remnant with me to every speaking engagement, every workshop, group meeting or community event.  I will wear the remnant like it is an accessory to my outfit.  I'll wear it as a bracelet instead of handcuffs, or a cute anklet instead of shackles. I will use the remnant as a prop in every workshop.  I'll share the truth about the remnant in every group, fb post or blog.

 God will get the Glory out of me and the remnant!

Categories: Domestic abuse, Domestic violence, Intimate partner abuse

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